Dear (imaginary) baby

Since the ‘incident’ that pushed me to decide there will (most likely) be no more babies, I’ve had a touch of melancholy mixed  with wistfulness about the baby I had imagined we would have.​  A piece written by Sash has encouraged me to vocalise this and in an effort to put it out there, let go and move on I wrote this.

Dear (imaginary) baby,​

If things were different we might be preparing for your conception, but instead I am packing away and getting rid of baby things that will not be used for you.​

But some reminders of your absence will not be packed away.

Some tangible like the beautiful rocking chair that I purchased thinking that it would be where I fed you and documented your first year, the special pieces of clothing belonging to Eve that I planned to use for you. 

Others intangible like the names rolling around now permanently relegated to the ether, Magnus if you were a boy Blythe if you were a girl or possibly Celia, maybe Astrid, they will not be narrowed down without you.

I watch Eve and her tenderness with new babies and am saddened that she will never meet you and teach you all the naughty and beautiful things that she excels at.​

​The knowledge that it has always been difficult does not diminish the sorrow of knowing I will never breastfeed again.  Nor does my puffy unmodel like pregnancy figure outweigh the desire to feel the strange beauty of feeling someone grow within me.

I wonder who you would have looked like and if you would have been laid back or busy like Eve.  ​

I wonder if my patience would have multiplied like I know my ​love would have.

Dear sweet (imaginary) little one I know you would have been a true blessing, I just don’t know that I would have been the mother that you deserve.​

All the love that I will never get to lavish on you.​

X

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A month of you

Eve Mercury - 1 month

Today you are a month old. Already I don’t know where the time has gone, soon enough like your siblings you’ll be in / verging on your teens and time will seem to have passed in the blink of an eye. But for now I’ll embrace what I have learnt about you in this all too fast first month.

You are still a squiggler just like on the inside you rarely stay still, but now we can see just how strong you are. Holding your head, neck and shoulders up for such long amounts of time right from day one was an unexpected ability. Wiggling your way up my body if I lay you on my tummy was another one.

You are trying really hard to master facial expressions, even seeming to practice in your sleep. My favourites are when you let go of the breast fast asleep and smile. Also when playing around with your very long tongue you make Manny face.

Manny Face

You don’t like being naked so getting you changed or ready for bath time is a noisy event, daddy says if you can keep that up until you’re 21 he’ll be happy.

Strangers stop to coo over you in the street, I like to think it’s because you are almost always an exceptionally calm baby.

These lungs go up to 11. For such a calm baby when you protest you do it in an unmistakable way. You also growl at me if you feel I’m not getting the breast to you quickly enough, this makes me laugh because you usually have your little fists in the way. You truly live up to your middle name with how quickly you go from calm to furious and back again my mercurial little girl.

You fart A LOT, but we’re working on taking the dairy out of my diet and that seems to be helping.  The farting is pretty funny to us though, that’s how we roll.

You are a lovely fascinating creature and I’m so glad you arrived to complete our family, don’t grow up too quickly.

A month of you

Today you are a month old. Already I don’t know where the time has gone, soon enough like your siblings you’ll be in / verging on your teens and time will seem to have passed in the blink of an eye. But for now I’ll embrace what I have learnt about you in this all too fast first month.

You are still a squiggler just like on the inside you rarely stay still, but now we can see just how strong you are. Holding your head, neck and shoulders up for such long amounts of time right from day one was an unexpected ability. Wiggling your way up my body if I lay you on my tummy was another one.

You are trying really hard to master facial expressions, even seeming to practice in your sleep. My favourites are when you let go of the breast fast asleep and smile. Also when playing around with your very long tongue you make Manny face.

You don’t like being naked so getting you changed or ready for bath time is a noisy event, daddy says if you can keep that up until you’re 21 he’ll be happy.

Strangers stop to coo over you in the street, I like to think it’s because you are almost always an exceptionally calm baby.

These lungs go up to 11. For such a calm baby when you protest you do it in an unmistakable way. You also growl at me if you feel I’m not getting the breast to you quickly enough, this makes me laugh because you usually have your little fists in the way. You truly live up to your middle name with how quickly you go from calm to furious and back again my mercurial little girl.

You fart A LOT, but we’re working on taking the dairy out of my diet and that seems to be helping.  The farting is pretty funny to us though, that’s how we roll.

You are a lovely fascinating creature and I’m so glad you arrived to complete our family, don’t grow up too quickly.

Two lovely weeks

Two overly quick weeks

Spent

Enjoying my sleepy milk fed baby snuggled into my breast.

Getting to know each other and those sweet little noises Eve makes.

Battling mastitis through sleep, heat and antibiotics.

Getting rid of sticky eye for Eve.

Missing my bigger two who are off on holiday adventures.

Enjoying the peace before more visitors arrive later this week.

Two normal up and down way too fast weeks enjoying our wonderful new love,

20110719-084336.jpg

Two lovely weeks

Two overly quick weeks

Spent

Enjoying my sleepy milk fed baby snuggled into my breast.

Getting to know each other and those sweet little noises Eve makes.

Battling mastitis through sleep, heat and antibiotics.

Getting rid of sticky eye for Eve.

Missing my bigger two who are off on holiday adventures.

Enjoying the peace before more visitors arrive later this week.

Two normal up and down way too fast weeks enjoying our wonderful new love,

36 + 3

I guess we’re on the home stretch now, little things are getting hard to do, like getting out of bed.
I think we have everything we need for our little miss, so now we wait while she finishes growing, not that there’s a lot of room left in there for her.

The room is nearly finished, bits have been washed and now the house needs to be cleaned URGENTLY, because the nesting bug has kicked in.

Lately we’ve been enjoying going to the market on Sundays for our veggies and some flowers and yesterday we went to the new butcher in our area. A million times better than supermarket food. Apart from the rude shoving people I am looking forward to taking the squigg with us, but more so when she’s bigger and I can show her all the cool produce. I’d love to grow some things so that I can show her how fruit / veggies grow.

It’s a lot colder here now so dragging my butt to work in the mornings is getting more difficult, I’m grateful for the public holiday tomorrow! Even more I’m looking forward to my last day on the 1st of July.

Still waiting for a grad offer to open up for Mr Wolff, if one came up somewhere nicer like Perth I wouldn’t complain. If an interview comes up he can wear his very late birthday present, a pair of Wolff cufflinks from Skulk of Foxes, who have a big sale on at the moment.

20110612-065146.jpg

Anyway that’s where we are at the moment a little tired, a little ready to be done being pregnant, but at the same time savoring it. Hope winter is not biting too hard at your toes.

20110612-065658.jpg

36 + 3

I guess we’re on the home stretch now, little things are getting hard to do, like getting out of bed.

I think we have everything we need for our little miss, so now we wait while she finishes growing, not that there’s a lot of room left in there for her.

The room is nearly finished, bits have been washed and now the house needs to be cleaned URGENTLY, because the nesting bug has kicked in.

Lately we’ve been enjoying going to the market on Sundays for our veggies and some flowers and yesterday we went to the new butcher in our area. A million times better than supermarket food. Apart from the rude shoving people I am looking forward to taking the squigg with us, but more so when she’s bigger and I can show her all the cool produce. I’d love to grow some things so that I can show her how fruit / veggies grow.

It’s a lot colder here now so dragging my butt to work in the mornings is getting more difficult, I’m grateful for the public holiday tomorrow! Even more I’m looking forward to my last day on the 1st of July.

Still waiting for a grad offer to open up for Mr Wolff, if one came up somewhere nicer like Perth I wouldn’t complain. If an interview comes up he can wear his very late birthday present, a pair of Wolff cufflinks from Skulk of Foxes, who have a big sale on at the moment.

Anyway that’s where we are at the moment a little tired, a little ready to be done being pregnant, but at the same time savoring it. Hope winter is not biting too hard at your toes.

Knitty Bits

After a bit of a break I’ve been trying to squeeze some knitting in seeing we’re having a winter baby and I can use that knowledge that my Nan passed on.
So far I’ve finished a little blue cardigan, which I’ve secured with my Nans’ brooch (which I wore to our registry office ceremony).

And am currently working on a shrug.

I’m putting off completion of the mobile as it requires felting and I’ve never done that before, I’m a bit worried about trashing the work I’ve done on it so far. But when I get over that I’ll post some pics.

In other news please keep your fingers crossed, our moving deadline is creeping closer and we saw a house we love today, hopefully we’ll get some good news tomorrow.

21 Weeks

Things are just going so quickly.
Already over the halfway mark we’ve now had our 20 week scan and everything looks fine. I feel so grateful that our little squiggle is a very active healthy baby* when I know it doesn’t turn out that way for everyone.
We’ve been trying to get all the major purchases out of the way as we have to move mid-May when our lease is up so I don’t want to have to buy anything after the move that’s essential. We are really lucky in that many of the major things are hand me downs saving us a small fortune and eBay so far has provided the rest.
I’m in the middle of knitting a mobile for the cot reminding me how lucky I was to have a patient Nan to teach me, giving me the satisfaction of creating things myself and saving money!
I’ve decided to get off my lazy butt and take photos each week of the bump, I plan on this being my last pregnancy so want to document it as much as possible.

Me looking weirdly haughty / smug, you can thank my discomfort in front of a camera!

In other news I started art school a couple of weeks ago, it’s amazing but I’ve had to drop back from 3 subjects to one as I bit off more than I can chew to begin with. But even though its tiring it’s very satisfying.

*In case you want to know, squiggle is a baby girl. We aren’t patient enough to wait.

21 Weeks

Things are just going so quickly.

Already over the halfway mark we’ve now had our 20 week scan and everything looks fine. I feel so grateful that our little squiggle is a very active healthy baby* when I know it doesn’t turn out that way for everyone.

We’ve been trying to get all the major purchases out of the way as we have to move mid-May when our lease is up so I don’t want to have to buy anything after the move that’s essential. We are really lucky in that many of the major things are hand me downs saving us a small fortune and eBay so far has provided the rest.

I’m in the middle of knitting a mobile for the cot reminding me how lucky I was to have a patient Nan to teach me, giving me the satisfaction of creating things myself and saving money!

I’ve decided to get off my lazy butt and take photos each week of the bump, I plan on this being my last pregnancy so want to document it as much as possible.

In other news I started art school a couple of weeks ago, it’s amazing but I’ve had to drop back from 3 subjects to one as I bit off more than I can chew to begin with. But even though its tiring it’s very satisfying.

*In case you want to know, squiggle is a baby girl. We aren’t patient enough to wait.