Broken

How a lamp made a difficult decision for me.

A short while ago I received the most beautiful household item I have ever owned.  It’s milky glass, black wooden legs and woven cord made it more than just a lamp for me.  It was the first designer item (that wasn’t shoes or a knock off) that I have ever owned.

Was.

Yesterday was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.
It started well but Eve entered her naughty destructive mode a few
hours later after I unthinkingly let her have the foam from my soy
chai.  I had forgotten that the chai mix had milk in it, even though it
is only a minute it was enough to set Eve into whirlwind mode.  I have a
theory that because it makes her stomach hurt and she can’t express
that verbally she expresses it by acting out.  It’s either that or my
kid is one of “those” kids that people make snide remarks about.

The
peak of the acting out resulted in Eve climbing on to our bedside table
and shoving the aforementioned prized lamp off shattering the delicate
glass top. Lest what I say next sounds materialistic and shallow. While
it was the height of the low that the afternoon became it was just the
last straw in being run circles around, jumped on, screamed at, bitten
etc.  As a mama these are the times that I become extremely fragile and
fail to cope.

The long
and short of it is that I am now 99.9%* sure that Eve is our last baby,
while I would love another child I can’t see myself giving another baby
and my existing three a happy healthy home while trying to find a
constructive way to manage Eve on a bad day.  I hate the way it sounds,
like I care so much about an object that I place it above family, but
really the lamp is just a snapshot of the challenges of parenting Eve,
challenges that are new to me as the older two were much calmer babies. 
Eve requires a lot more energy and careful watching made more
complicated by the house being a work site.

I’ve
really been torn on whether we would add to our family since shortly
after I had Eve, and it’s hard to know that we won’t be.  But the
reality is that there is only so much of me to go around and I need to
be the best parent I can be to the children I already have instead of
worrying about a person that doesn’t exist.

I guess that answers my earlier question, how do you know when you’re done?

*I’m not silly enough to say 100%, I’m sure if I did fate would laugh at me and I’d be pregnant before I knew it.

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8 thoughts on “Broken

  1. Poor thing. It’s materialistic, yes. But what’s wrong with that? Things can be important to us too, and I totally understand it being the last straw. I hope tomorrow brings you an easier day.

  2. i get it. it’s not about the lamp. but it is. in a way… you should be able to have nice things and feel ok treasuring those things. you are a mom to three and you work hard. i only have one and i often think like you do about having another. some people can handle 6 and more, some people can handle fewer. and that is ok. xo

  3. Gah, I would have been so furious! I know it’s all physical materialism at the end of the day but having something you prize and treasure destroyed in front of your eyes can only be described as pure animal anger that will come out.

    But at the end of the day (after screaming your lungs out) it’s just a lamp (okay a beautiful designer piece) and crap like this happens with greater probability around young kids.

    I have no idea how many kids I will have. My mum had 5 kids and it has clearly taken its toll. I thought 3 would be a good number but for some reason it seems a lot bigger step from 1 to 2 kids….so as you can tell..I’m undecided~

    • I was very very angry, thankfully the older two were home so they watched Eve for me while I had a time out.

      Five kids is big and while I don’t doubt it has been hard on your mum, she has definitely done an amazing job raising you and that speaks volumes.

      It really is a big step from one to two, a huge adjustment but very rewarding. I guess it’s a decision we all have to play by ear and then hope things will turn out our way.

  4. Oh not sure how I missed this post!

    I totally understand what the lamp represents. I think it’s wise to make a conscious decision about how thin to spread yourself.I’m so glad we live in an age where we have control over our family planning! Two is going to be plenty for us. As much as I love being a Mama I also have other things in life that I want to put my time and energy towards

    • It’s always a relief when so many others understand what I’m trying to express. I’m also extremely grateful we don’t have to leave the numbers up to fate.I think it’s important that you have room to pursue things that you want as a person, after all that’s what we want for our kids and what better way to lead them than by example?

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