What I’d like for Christmas

I wasn’t brave enough to post this for Christmas, but it’s nearly a new year so maybe I can add a new strength to being me.

What I’d like for Christmas is not a material thing, sure there are a lot of material goods I’d love but I’m pretty sure Santa isn’t bringing them, actually Santa isn’t going to deliver on what I’d like anyway.

I did consider whether this post was too needy, too down and potentially inappropriate, but it’s my space so I should be doing as I please.

If I do what I am considering then there are potentially others to be hurt, but they could be made up people for all I know, they could be another part of a very long lie twisted to cover up I don’t know what. Sometimes I wonder if I’m an early cloning experiment, yes I am a little crazy.o

What I would like for Christmas is the other chunk of my identity. It should belong to me but has never been available, held prisoner by others selfishness.

I don’t expect to be welcomed in to a family that I have been hidden from. But I’d like to know if any of them are a piece of me, if those things about me that just don’t fit with the family I know have something to do with them. Who knows maybe they don’t, maybe I have just me and a quirk of nurture rather than a plot of unknown nature.

Each word I type is somewhat my effort to delay, delay the decision to name names. To put out to a very small (but wonderful) audience the names and scant information that has given me absolutely zero leads.

Why now?

I’m almost 35 and I still don’t have information that the majority of others take for granted. An only child who apparently has siblings. My mother is overseas and somehow with a physical distance it is easier to ignore the waspy behaviours that plague my conscience after being hammered into my head my whole life. Because I don’t want to be like my grandmother who died not knowing. Because I’m starting to think hiding myself to potentially protect others from hurt is unfair on me, it’s not my responsibility to cover for others sins.

What do I want?
I want an answer and a DNA test, both proof and reason for my existence and why it’s so easy to ignore.

But the thing is there’s no delicate way to put this out there. It seems graceless and crude and that little voice that is inside me is so persistent, always put others first, what a dangerous lesson to have been taught.

But here goes, no amount of attempts at pretty words can cushion pushing this out here.

I was born in May 1978
My name was not the same as it is now.
My mother’s name is Frances
My father (apparently):
Worked for the Gas & Fuel company Victoria. (as did the man who raised me)
Was older than my mother who was 29 when I was born
Had two sons one of whom 10 years older than me, one named Craig (incidentally the name of the brother I was raised with) and another that was either Michael or Matthew. He was separated from their mother and I am led to believe he has little or nothing to do with them.
He also has another son who is close to age to my eldest child (17ish), with the lady he was / is in a relationship with while having an affair with my mother whose name is Stefanie/Stephanie, I would be surprised if she knows about me and this is part of my hesitation to pull the trigger on this post.
They lived on the Sunshine Coast a few years ago and may or may not have moved to Brisbane.
His name is John Anderson and I do not have a date of birth or middle name to go on. So you can see where my conclusion that this may indeed be another lie piled on a lie comes from.

It’s out here now, for what it’s worth and what little good it can do. I don’t know that I want a relationship with this person as all evidence says they do not desire one. But I do want at the very least the health information that I’d at least have if he’d been a sperm donor.

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6 thoughts on “What I’d like for Christmas

  1. Wow…
    Lila I really can’t imagine the full depth of what you must be going through but I think you have every right to search for your biological father. It pains me deeply to know your mother hasn’t been able to give you all the information to ‘protect’ others when it was their actions that have created this situation.

    Is it possible to hire a private investigator or use ancestry.com to find more information? I think you are at an age where some people will most likely get hurt but you have to seek this information out for you and your family…and if it all goes really bad you can at least know you tried to seek out information and know for sure that he doesn’t want a relationship with you.

    My family have similar stories with my grandfather dying, we found out he had other kids and wished we had known earlier. Also, my cousin’s mother hasn’t been truthful with who her dad is and it will be a matter of time before she takes things in her own hands to do what you are doing.

    I really do hope that you do find what you are looking for. You have my support on this and please let us know how you get on….

    x

    • Thanks Sass, your support is very comforting. It makes me so sad to know other families have their own versions of this going on and knowing the pain it causes, I’m so sorry that there are sections of your family that have gone through similar.
      I hadn’t thought to try ancestry even though without birthdates and middle names I’m not sure how far I will get but it’s worth a shot. We’ve considered a PI, my mother says she hired one but had no records of doing so or making payment which is another reason I believe the information I have is a red herring. But it might be worth it just to uncover that fact.
      Thank you again for the kind words, it helps me feel ok about putting this out there.

  2. This is your place, your voice and something that you have every right to seek answers to. I hope you find the answers that you need, not knowing about your history is something that nobody should have to deal with. We all take it for granted too much I think until it is too late so I think you are definitely doing the right thing.
    Big hugs and kisses and I hope you find the truths you seek.

  3. I think it’s really important to find out as much as you can about your biological father, using whatever means you have available.
    There may be a risk of causing hurt to others, but your hurts matter too. You have a right to know.
    It’s a shame your Mother isn’t being more forthcoming.. That along with your name change suggests the story may be quite complicated..
    I hope you can find out some more facts about your history, it’s really important. Please keep us posted
    Xoxoxo

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