quiet(ish) contemplation

No adventurous trips out today.

This lovely sunny Spring day has been spent in almost quiet contemplation.

Navel gazing if you will.

.

While gazing at my new daugthers navel and contemplating where she might take this world, in the hope that she is master of her destiny and not dragged along in the tides of others.

I also wonder where I am going, if Mr. Wolff gains a grad position in our home town I won’t be rushing back to my pressure filled yet unimportant job. I have the opportunity to be returned the favour that was extended to Mr. Wolff by me being the breadwinner and return to study.

But. I’m torn, there have always been a few different mes within me and trying to nail down a direction we are all satisfied with is confusing to say the least.

I love to nurture and look after those in need, but am not entirely sure that this isn’t because I was raised to put myself last by people who didn’t seem to know how to do the same.

I love to paint and take photos but who really succeeds with that financially without a strong sideline. Also can I regain my artistic streak seeing that I have rarely painted since shacking up with Mr. Wolff, being that my art was mostly generated by angst.

I don’t want to have to be angsty to create.

I hate that I am angsty about me and finding a direction when at 33 this should have been worked out long ago.

So while I am a blissed out happy with who I am post birth mama, I realise the more I know the less I know about me.

Should I just randomly draw something out of a hat? If all else fails I can land back in the corporate world and climb as I always have, and be bored and stifled as I always have.
Mostly I want to somehow make a difference in this world, beyond the front gate so to speak.

What is it like to be one of those people who know what they want to be when they grow up?
I grew up but now I need to be.

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8 thoughts on “quiet(ish) contemplation

  1. i think its hard to embrace the ‘new you’ which is a combination of an old self and a new, post-birth self. its so weird. you ‘think’ you know that person in the mirror but at the same time you could be an absolute stranger!
    i think its just another part of life, an in-between of sorts, where letting go of the person you were and embracing the person you are happens. its hard because you feel like you are letting yourself down at the same time as not acknowledging your current or future selves!
    i think its always important to create and be creative. whether that is cooking, painting, dancing or even thinking. whether or not you gain renumeration for this is besides the point.
    i’ve always preferred to have a comfy job where i do 9-5 and nothing more (don’t get me wrong, i am still passionate about every minute between 9 – 5!) and then live my life to the fullest outside of those hours.
    anyway – good food for thought this sunny, spring arvo. goodluck with pondering!

    • The 9-5 security is good but I find that my 9-5 jobs seem incapable of staying within the boundaries. Even though I’m on leave work has still been consulting with me, which should be a compliment but really I just want to find something more fulfilling.
      We’ll see i guess.

  2. This could have been a post straight out of my brain! I’m still at my job but because I’m training my replacement I’ve become the designated filer/archiver and doing at day in day out is really depressing. I don’t know if I’ll come to my job, I’d really need a decent payrise to be inspired because I’ve definitely outgrown it. But I still don’t know what I want to do yet…good luck to both of us figuring it all out and I hope everything goes well with your Hubby finding a grad position!

  3. Gosh I REALLY hope Mr Wolff gets a grad position.. not only would it be great for him to get paid work in his chosen field, but would be wonderful for you to just chill out with your little Miss for a bit longer and really think about what direction you want to take.. rather than rushing back into the job you find unrewarding.

    My creative side is so neglected I don’t know if I will ever get it back. Don’t let it happen!

    • He has a second interview late this month, I’m hopeful that it’s the right job for him.
      And hope that I get at least a year home with miss Eve as I had to rush back to work with the older two.
      Maybe I’ll get some painting in now the weather is brighter.

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