No adventurous trips out today.
This lovely sunny Spring day has been spent in almost quiet contemplation.
Navel gazing if you will.
While gazing at my new daugthers navel and contemplating where she might take this world, in the hope that she is master of her destiny and not dragged along in the tides of others.
I also wonder where I am going, if Mr. Wolff gains a grad position in our home town I won’t be rushing back to my pressure filled yet unimportant job. I have the opportunity to be returned the favour that was extended to Mr. Wolff by me being the breadwinner and return to study.
But. I’m torn, there have always been a few different mes within me and trying to nail down a direction we are all satisfied with is confusing to say the least.
I love to nurture and look after those in need, but am not entirely sure that this isn’t because I was raised to put myself last by people who didn’t seem to know how to do the same.
I love to paint and take photos but who really succeeds with that financially without a strong sideline. Also can I regain my artistic streak seeing that I have rarely painted since shacking up with Mr. Wolff, being that my art was mostly generated by angst.
I don’t want to have to be angsty to create.
I hate that I am angsty about me and finding a direction when at 33 this should have been worked out long ago.
So while I am a blissed out happy with who I am post birth mama, I realise the more I know the less I know about me.
Should I just randomly draw something out of a hat? If all else fails I can land back in the corporate world and climb as I always have, and be bored and stifled as I always have.
Mostly I want to somehow make a difference in this world, beyond the front gate so to speak.
What is it like to be one of those people who know what they want to be when they grow up?
I grew up but now I need to be.